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Ken & Jean

by Faithful Johannes

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1.
Intro 00:39
This is Ken and Jean by Faithful Johannes
2.
It can be hard when you don’t fit in Inadvertently anonymous and can’t catch a glance But I read some books Listened to some records And found out how I could make it my advantage I’m not too supple Not too svelte I can’t touch my toes Unless my knees are bent Though I learnt that I could squeeze in all sorts of places With the right mentality and confidences Snuck a round of golf at Mar-a-Lago Saying I was a Trump cousin from Chicago I just played the putting greens Then free meal in the brasserie The staff were so polite Laid on a limo to catch our flight that night Handshakes and came to wave us off But they didn’t know what they’d got I caused that minor disruption at the Tory party conference We were on the line twenty twelve hundred metres Stooped low for an extra hour’s bowling By claiming to suffer from a serious illness ‘This might be my last strike tonight’ I told it just right The beer was so cold and tasted like metal Dan struck a double-bagger I never saw better Got me and Jean to meet all the great songwriters Jimmy Webb Carole King But never Neil Diamond Upgraded from economy After Jean left me Flying on dad’s passport Fast-tracked Backpack and holes in jeans May the doctor rest in peace Where am I now? What’s left? Got tales to tell But no ears to reach I’ve been on some lovely dates But my core sores and dives I’m like Jonathan Seagull Outcast from the flock Who didn’t know what they’d got Keep working on love Keep working on love Keep working on love Keep working on love Keep working on love Keep working on love Keep working on love Keep working on love
3.
I had a little think And I made a little plan But it all came to nothing so I started again It only began to fall into place When I got a camera and case With a big, big lens From a chazza shop That didn’t know what it’d got Raided Shuttercock for some sample imagery After that the rest went swimmingly Website, limited company name Five star reviews from all my pseudonyms A my story section on my president portraits Bought support from Venezuelan Facebook You see I know that the ex’s new beau Has bought her tickets centre front row For the Real Neil Diamond at the Leeds Arena It sold out in seconds they couldn’t been keener I wanted to get to the pit Smell the sweat and hear the hits Jean always loved my big gestures Like my first proposal by kestrel At last I got my photography pass I’d asked once and they said ‘no’ Changed the company name Faked a recommendation from Anton Corbijn that read ‘He can capture a heart as it breaks’ They said ‘yes’ Did a warm up show watching Boyzone One Sunday night Left half way through the pics didn’t load right Got stern looks from Ronan for getting too close A wink off Keith A spilt drink from Lynch But got my face known at the shows So when the big night came Security remembered my name from last time Before I slipped ironically over a wet floor sign They checked my bags and coat But didn’t know what they’d got I needed to get into the pit See the sweat and hear the hits I still believe in me and Jean Forever together in blue jeans Lately things have been better considering We smiled and linked arms walking out of the Christening To her favourite song - Jon Bon’s ‘I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing’ Jean squeezed my hand said ‘we had good times, didn’t we?’ She’s been with Mike for a few years now But I’ve seen cracks recently He screamed like a baby when I thumped him at tennis Showed his temper again when I sent Jean flowers Hates my backhands and my lilies Never takes me seriously I feel like Milhouse’s dad But I’m putting a change to that
4.
I can’t can’t sleep Oh this mattress got the best of me I’m stressed inventing problems And self-assigning enemies Worrying about shutter speeds Flashbulbs and where to stand My shaky hands Framing shots and changing lenses that I’ve rented The steep-banked seats Searching for her face in the crowd Wait What? Every face is her face I’m presented with 13,000 duplicated exes Wake in a sweat and press snooze. Lie on my back Lie on my side Lie like an X checking the box of the bed I sleep on a ridge between Mine and Jean’s ghosts They’ve both left their imprints Hers is the shallower I believe I still smell a trace Of her scent on the pillow Switched our detergent brand Cos of the rash on her hands Still use the same suds Same toothpaste The same blue paint To your taste’s on our bedroom wall The wine weighs heavy on my head It knocked me out til two-oh-five And I’ve been restless since then In another dimension Spinning a rollerdex Of made up mistakes and Improbable problems Lie on my back Lie on my side Lie like an X checking the box of the bed I sleep on a ridge between Mine and Jean’s ghosts They’ve both left their imprints Hers is the shallower Chips in my bones Groans from my hips Lips dry and chapped Clapped out, I backed out Of the challenges Failed like my marriage is Slipped No balance Now its two AM terrors Missteps and errors Call back her smells and grace For comfort My numb foot pulses A warning of something? Or could just be the chips in my bones My mistakes Taking control I feel old for the first time Been tricking myself a long time Lie on my back Lie on my side Lie like an X checking the box of the bed I sleep on a ridge between Mine and Jean’s ghosts They’ve both left their imprints But Hers is the shallower Stretch out my legs Arch my back and feet Get up pace the room The fog dissipates a bit I’ve got aches in between my shoulders And I’ve just never found closure
5.
Show Stopper 04:11
50th Anniversary Tour The drive to Leeds took longer than I thought A crash near Catterick barracks Slow going in weekday traffic A phone in with Nicky Campbell On the breaking Weinstein scandal Got 5Live producers on speed dial I call them up sometimes to ramble But not today No not today Off at junction 45 I nearly turned this story round Completed several indecisive Circuits of the roundabout But in the end I had to know Where this adventure would go Legs are shaking Pretty nervous The one-way ring road Makes my brain hurt As I approach Everything slows Everything slows At the show Still fairly early Get checked in and Get short shrift in The photo holding area From pro weirdos Sneering at my gear ‘oh, we all started somewhere pal!’ But as we’re led through Felt like a hero Dad if you could only see me now You’d probably still be disappointed You’d probably still be disappointed I was starting to feel light-headed Not eaten since that pasty at Wetherby My legs and stomach feeling funny I managed a tea with sugar in it But the smells from the ovens The hot dogs and onions Anaemic chips and vinegar Knot up my lungs I’m doing it all for her I tell myself I’m doing this for her I’m doing this for her I’m doing it all for her I tell myself I’m doing this for her I’m doing this for her I’m doing this all for her Took a walk out There’s no photographers pit like last time A more sedate and silver-haired crowd Rows and rows of red chairs Geriatrics tapping their programmes Pull my cap down Survey the crowd Clock Jean straight away In the spotlight like it’s destiny There’s no Mike Mike’s not here She’s brought her mum I knew they had fights But assumed he’d be here tonight It bodes well I’ve got three songs Been told don’t be too intrusive Neil’s a nice guy But doesn’t like to be distracted The sound tech stuff’s done I always liked her mum And she me It’s destiny It’s destiny I was first up Or I might have turned back The adrenalin kicked in when the band struck ‘In My Lifetime’ One short of 14 ‘til The great man strode in Second song was ‘You Got Me’ Made my move as it ended Up close Neil looked tired and wide-eyed But loving the crowd Took the note from my hand Catching himself by surprise Said ‘well this is most unusual, But it is a special night I’ll read out this special message I hope I get it right’ I turn and take off my cap Crouch down in front of Jean As the real Neil Diamond Reads out my plea
6.
7.
Shoulda been so simple It shoulda been no regrets Shoulda just gone on impulse Let’s rewind the cassette Shoulda lived straight up Kept the garden nice Shoulda had clean cars Painted the fence white Shoulda had one job Learnt to do it right Shoulda paid into pensions Gone out on work nights I mean do’s Not weekdays Chose the blues and green baize Shoulda saved fifty pences Bought her something expensive I never meant for this to happen She kept the dog Me the terrapin Whose days are numbered A de-gift that I gave to Jean On our first summer tryst Almost forgotten Had the one score and ten it’s allotted Outlasted our marriage I shoulda gone on less About nose avoidance tilting And niche sitcom jokes During the mid-noughties Shoulda talked more Shoulda kept the passion Shoulda been home Hatching plans together I took up fishing Without any discussion Always cooking up something But never in the oven I had get rich quick schemes Fly by night dreams One year I applied for all the Literary prizes And I don’t write But I got shortlisted in Five out of 75 It’s not plagiarism If you’re taking the piss Out of arts criticism It’s a public service I shoulda been a politician Though really I shouldn’t They’re mostly thugs in suits Taking the loot And looking after their cousins I was always bugging out Or changing the topic Shoulda seen that I was out of order No sons, no daughters
8.
Took a holiday in the sun In nineteen-ninety-one We met them at the continental breakfast bar Pineapple juice, croissant, small jams in jars Ken took an adjacent table Larger than life Smelt coffee on his breath Felt sorry for his wife Announced his name was Ludlow Strange In a conspiratorial American accent And that he was a well-known actor On downtime After filming with Jodie Foster Waiting to shoot a fight scene with Kevin Costner Shared anecdotes of Hollywood around the pool The manager loved him Put them in the penthouse suite already had their picture framed above the lobby desk Helped them to get the best of the best – Tables at the front of booked up restaurants Free rides around the town For the legendary Ludlow I could not believe it Everywhere we’d go They’re there ahead of us Skipping queues and private viewings It was a holiday in the sun In nineteen-ninety-one It was a holiday in the sun In nineteen-ninety-one He kept it up for about six days ‘til Me and Hazel Out for a Sangria in the afternoon Last full day of our honeymoon Clocked them out on high stools at a bar by the harbour Recounting a tale of an elephant’s trunk swinging Ken knocked their table Glasses rolled and smashed Bloody Mary and beer All over his ridiculous linen suit Soaking in and staining He yelled something profane in A Northern accent We both cracked up Went over to help ‘em They’re Ken and Jean not Ludlow and Margo We had a laugh We hung out all night Nearly missed our flight home We had a holiday in the sun In nineteen-ninety-one We had a holiday in the sun In nineteen-ninety-one We had a holiday in the sun In nineteen-ninety-one We had a holiday in the sun In nineteen-ninety-one We kept in touch By post and by phone It was pre-internet for us Though they had a dial up modem Met once or twice a year At the sea or by ‘falls Fun times Ken could be wild But these things peter out We had a daughter And lost touch Though Jean still writes at Christmas We were shocked when we read that She’d left him after almost three decades together But not totally surprised She said she could no longer see the real Ken When she looked in his eyes His daydreams and manias had taken him away from her His daydreams and manias had taken him away from her His daydreams and manias had taken him away Our daughter shared the clip But didn’t know about our trips With the man in tears We’ve still got our souvenirs
9.
After the concert Sat in the car all night Drove home as the daylight came In a daze the whole journey 55 in the slow lane The radio tuned out and I didn’t dial it back in I sold my photo gear cut price I shut down my website After a fortnight I switched on my phone I switched on my phone I took it hard I took it hard It was a silver-haired crowd There to sway and to dance But some kid at the back Filmed it all on their phone Unbeknownst to me I’ve been a living a joke On memes Loose Women Hislop and Merton My face caught on the big screens Side stage as the tears came Some cretinous bastard Told them my name He told them my name I took it hard I took it hard I didn’t go back to the office for two months And then I quit I shut out everything Downsized my pad It had me knocked down flat I felt nothing and then I felt sad And lonely About month three the obvious hit me: ‘Ken – you got to find your self And to be happy with that You’ve been living a counterfeit You’ve been living a counterfeit’ I took it hard I took it hard
10.
I feel like I’m flying since I made the leap I’m sure Ken never ever took me seriously ‘Til the night when Our love slipped away in Robin Hood’s Bay Arms shaking, lip bitten up the motorway When we started out It was fun I’d never met Anyone Who made me laugh Quite like that He didn’t get on with my dad But that made two of us We’d go to work On the bus Nauseous from the night before Sweet messages left On the fridge door We never watched the tele much Ken was on the phone Or we were in the pub Working on his Jokes and schemes A telegram from the queen When he was just 30 Best wishes on your special birthday Signed Elizabeth I feel like I’m flying since I made the leap Ken never took anything seriously And stopped listening Shut me out and retreated in his way My arms shaking lip bitten up the motorway I loved a bit of hand holding But his hand grew limp And distracted Nights alone In the same room His manias All consuming Left all my close friends Behind in the 1990s Used to always be so busy Like Terry and June Except funnier In the end I kept a diary Recording all the times he asked me How I was Or how I’m feeling A month goes by And there’s nowt to read in it That freed me up Made things clearer Got some advice from a solicitor Made plans with Denise But did a flit by the seas I couldn’t stand him any longer I couldn’t stand him any longer I feel like I’m flying since I made the leap I’m sure Ken never ever took me seriously ‘Til the night when Our love slipped away in Robin Hood’s Bay Arms shaking lip bitten up the motorway
11.
When you’re not feeling great It’s tough to get back in shape When you’re not feeling great It’s tough to get back in shape When you’re not feeling great It’s tough to get back in shape When you’re not feeling great It’s tough to get back in shape A little bit overweight Can’t run when my knees ache like this Give the stairs a miss When you’re not feeling great It’s tough to get back in shape Getting older Got pain all over my back and shoulders When you’re not feeling great It’s tough to get back in shape When you’re not feeling great
12.
Life’s so short But feels so long I’ve forgotten so much Clutch my stories close Keep notes No embellishments required Oh god I’m tired They say everyone’s got a book in them Mine’s more readable than most I was like a ghost Transparent and unreasonable Lied to the office and said it was seasonal Sadness Assumed they were all laughing Right then I decided to write it all out On a typewriter Like a ransom note In an old film scene With handsome folk Stiff speech Mono-chromed On the phone perspiring Finger resting on the number they’d dialled in But I’m ex-directory So last century Chapter one Start with the end Chapter two A highlights review Including the lift story At the BBC Paxman and Beckham Thought I was someone special Chapter three Now we’ve reached the beginning Small time stuff Me and Jean VIPs at nightclubs Chapter four That trip abroad Chapter five My brief time inside Now around this time I got restless Started drinking in town with a book as cover Searching for company Always the last to leave Open mic night Said the poster in the loo For voices Not music Prose and poetry I went for a few weeks And sat at the back Started a writing class Took a job in a caf’ It’s hard work and often boring But try to listen more and Keep people talking Note their quotes Hush my anecdotes Plucked up the courage To read out my stories They went down well Most think it’s fiction Swapped numbers after with Shirley and Norman Got invited to Wednesday jazz lunches Started to feel normal Read a long piece About my presentee father Invented his last words To pull it together Cold water with ice Cleared my throat twice People were nice Clapped Someone said ‘bravo’ Pats on my shoulder As I shuffle to my chair on the back row Felt happy and sad both And did not want to let ‘em go I feel like an oddball But not that I’m phoney They call me Kenneth And I don’t correct them They call me Kenneth And I don’t correct them I’m just just trying to listen To write it as fiction To try and admit when I’m getting too distant And I need to reset I wake in a cold sweat I’ll just keep it simple And honest

about

Ken & Jean is a story record.

credits

released September 10, 2021

All songs written, performed, recorded and mixed by Faithful Johannes.

With:
Jon Horner voice on Intro
Eli Hermit vocals on Holiday in the Sun in 1991
Ellen Moran vocals on The Leap
James Leonard Hewitson trumpet and trombone on Confidences (KWOL), L Strange Image LTD, Can't Can't Sleep and Write it as Fiction.

Cover Illustrations by Anna Billany.

Mastered by Martin Trollope at Harbourmaster Production, South Shields.

Supported by Sage Gateshead.

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WIN BIG RECORDS.

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