1. |
Intro
00:39
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This is Ken and Jean by Faithful Johannes
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2. |
Confidences (KWOL)
02:47
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It can be hard when you don’t fit in
Inadvertently anonymous and can’t catch a glance
But I read some books
Listened to some records
And found out how I could make it my advantage
I’m not too supple
Not too svelte
I can’t touch my toes
Unless my knees are bent
Though I learnt that I could squeeze in all sorts of places
With the right mentality and confidences
Snuck a round of golf at Mar-a-Lago
Saying I was a Trump cousin from Chicago
I just played the putting greens
Then free meal in the brasserie
The staff were so polite
Laid on a limo to catch our flight that night
Handshakes and came to wave us off
But they didn’t know what they’d got
I caused that minor disruption at the Tory party conference
We were on the line twenty twelve hundred metres
Stooped low for an extra hour’s bowling
By claiming to suffer from a serious illness
‘This might be my last strike tonight’
I told it just right
The beer was so cold and tasted like metal
Dan struck a double-bagger
I never saw better
Got me and Jean to meet all the great songwriters
Jimmy Webb
Carole King
But never Neil Diamond
Upgraded from economy
After Jean left me
Flying on dad’s passport
Fast-tracked
Backpack and holes in jeans
May the doctor rest in peace
Where am I now?
What’s left?
Got tales to tell
But no ears to reach
I’ve been on some lovely dates
But my core sores and dives
I’m like Jonathan Seagull
Outcast from the flock
Who didn’t know what they’d got
Keep working on love
Keep working on love
Keep working on love
Keep working on love
Keep working on love
Keep working on love
Keep working on love
Keep working on love
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3. |
L Strange Images LTD
03:01
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I had a little think
And I made a little plan
But it all came to nothing so I started again
It only began to fall into place
When I got a camera and case
With a big, big lens
From a chazza shop
That didn’t know what it’d got
Raided Shuttercock for some sample imagery
After that the rest went swimmingly
Website, limited company name
Five star reviews from all my pseudonyms
A my story section on my president portraits
Bought support from Venezuelan Facebook
You see I know that the ex’s new beau
Has bought her tickets centre front row
For the Real Neil Diamond at the Leeds Arena
It sold out in seconds they couldn’t been keener
I wanted to get to the pit
Smell the sweat and hear the hits
Jean always loved my big gestures
Like my first proposal by kestrel
At last I got my photography pass
I’d asked once and they said ‘no’
Changed the company name
Faked a recommendation from Anton Corbijn that read
‘He can capture a heart as it breaks’
They said ‘yes’
Did a warm up show watching Boyzone
One Sunday night
Left half way through the pics didn’t load right
Got stern looks from Ronan for getting too close
A wink off Keith
A spilt drink from Lynch
But got my face known at the shows
So when the big night came
Security remembered my name from last time
Before I slipped ironically over a wet floor sign
They checked my bags and coat
But didn’t know what they’d got
I needed to get into the pit
See the sweat and hear the hits
I still believe in me and Jean
Forever together in blue jeans
Lately things have been better considering
We smiled and linked arms walking out of the Christening
To her favourite song - Jon Bon’s ‘I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing’
Jean squeezed my hand said ‘we had good times, didn’t we?’
She’s been with Mike for a few years now
But I’ve seen cracks recently
He screamed like a baby when I thumped him at tennis
Showed his temper again when I sent Jean flowers
Hates my backhands and my lilies
Never takes me seriously
I feel like Milhouse’s dad
But I’m putting a change to that
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4. |
Can't Can't Sleep
03:42
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I can’t can’t sleep
Oh this mattress got the best of me
I’m stressed inventing problems
And self-assigning enemies
Worrying about shutter speeds
Flashbulbs and where to stand
My shaky hands
Framing shots and changing lenses that I’ve rented
The steep-banked seats
Searching for her face in the crowd
Wait
What?
Every face is her face
I’m presented with 13,000 duplicated exes
Wake in a sweat and press snooze.
Lie on my back
Lie on my side
Lie like an X checking the box of the bed
I sleep on a ridge between
Mine and Jean’s ghosts
They’ve both left their imprints
Hers is the shallower
I believe I still smell a trace
Of her scent on the pillow
Switched our detergent brand
Cos of the rash on her hands
Still use the same suds
Same toothpaste
The same blue paint
To your taste’s on our bedroom wall
The wine weighs heavy on my head
It knocked me out til two-oh-five
And I’ve been restless since then
In another dimension
Spinning a rollerdex
Of made up mistakes and
Improbable problems
Lie on my back
Lie on my side
Lie like an X checking the box of the bed
I sleep on a ridge between
Mine and Jean’s ghosts
They’ve both left their imprints
Hers is the shallower
Chips in my bones
Groans from my hips
Lips dry and chapped
Clapped out, I backed out
Of the challenges
Failed like my marriage is
Slipped
No balance
Now its two AM terrors
Missteps and errors
Call back her smells and grace
For comfort
My numb foot pulses
A warning of something?
Or could just be the
chips in my bones
My mistakes
Taking control
I feel old for the first time
Been tricking myself a long time
Lie on my back
Lie on my side
Lie like an X checking the box of the bed
I sleep on a ridge between
Mine and Jean’s ghosts
They’ve both left their imprints
But Hers is the shallower
Stretch out my legs
Arch my back and feet
Get up pace the room
The fog dissipates a bit
I’ve got aches in between my shoulders
And I’ve just never found closure
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5. |
Show Stopper
04:11
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50th Anniversary Tour
The drive to Leeds took longer than I thought
A crash near Catterick barracks
Slow going in weekday traffic
A phone in with Nicky Campbell
On the breaking Weinstein scandal
Got 5Live producers on speed dial
I call them up sometimes to ramble
But not today
No not today
Off at junction 45
I nearly turned this story round
Completed several indecisive
Circuits of the roundabout
But in the end I had to know
Where this adventure would go
Legs are shaking
Pretty nervous
The one-way ring road
Makes my brain hurt
As I approach
Everything slows
Everything slows
At the show
Still fairly early
Get checked in and
Get short shrift in
The photo holding area
From pro weirdos
Sneering at my gear ‘oh,
we all started somewhere pal!’
But as we’re led through
Felt like a hero
Dad if you could only see me now
You’d probably still be disappointed
You’d probably still be disappointed
I was starting to feel light-headed
Not eaten since that pasty at Wetherby
My legs and stomach feeling funny
I managed a tea with sugar in it
But the smells from the ovens
The hot dogs and onions
Anaemic chips and vinegar
Knot up my lungs
I’m doing it all for her I tell myself
I’m doing this for her
I’m doing this for her
I’m doing it all for her I tell myself
I’m doing this for her
I’m doing this for her
I’m doing this all for her
Took a walk out
There’s no photographers pit like last time
A more sedate and silver-haired crowd
Rows and rows of red chairs
Geriatrics tapping their programmes
Pull my cap down
Survey the crowd
Clock Jean straight away
In the spotlight like it’s destiny
There’s no Mike
Mike’s not here
She’s brought her mum
I knew they had fights
But assumed he’d be here tonight
It bodes well
I’ve got three songs
Been told don’t be too intrusive
Neil’s a nice guy
But doesn’t like to be distracted
The sound tech stuff’s done
I always liked her mum
And she me
It’s destiny
It’s destiny
I was first up
Or I might have turned back
The adrenalin kicked in
when the band struck ‘In My Lifetime’
One short of 14 ‘til
The great man strode in
Second song was
‘You Got Me’
Made my move as it ended
Up close Neil looked tired and wide-eyed
But loving the crowd
Took the note from my hand
Catching himself by surprise
Said ‘well this is most unusual,
But it is a special night
I’ll read out this special message
I hope I get it right’
I turn and take off my cap
Crouch down in front of Jean
As the real Neil Diamond
Reads out my plea
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6. |
Aftermath (Interlude)
00:51
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7. |
Coulda Shoulda
02:25
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Shoulda been so simple
It shoulda been no regrets
Shoulda just gone on impulse
Let’s rewind the cassette
Shoulda lived straight up
Kept the garden nice
Shoulda had clean cars
Painted the fence white
Shoulda had one job
Learnt to do it right
Shoulda paid into pensions
Gone out on work nights
I mean do’s
Not weekdays
Chose the blues and green baize
Shoulda saved fifty pences
Bought her something expensive
I never meant for this to happen
She kept the dog
Me the terrapin
Whose days are numbered
A de-gift that I gave to Jean
On our first summer tryst
Almost forgotten
Had the one score and ten it’s allotted
Outlasted our marriage
I shoulda gone on less
About nose avoidance tilting
And niche sitcom jokes
During the mid-noughties
Shoulda talked more
Shoulda kept the passion
Shoulda been home
Hatching plans together
I took up fishing
Without any discussion
Always cooking up something
But never in the oven
I had get rich quick schemes
Fly by night dreams
One year I applied for all the
Literary prizes
And I don’t write
But I got shortlisted in
Five out of 75
It’s not plagiarism
If you’re taking the piss
Out of arts criticism
It’s a public service
I shoulda been a politician
Though really I shouldn’t
They’re mostly thugs in suits
Taking the loot
And looking after their cousins
I was always bugging out
Or changing the topic
Shoulda seen that I was out of order
No sons, no daughters
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8. |
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Took a holiday in the sun
In nineteen-ninety-one
We met them at the continental breakfast bar
Pineapple juice, croissant, small jams in jars
Ken took an adjacent table
Larger than life
Smelt coffee on his breath
Felt sorry for his wife
Announced his name
was Ludlow Strange
In a conspiratorial American accent
And that he was a well-known actor
On downtime
After filming with Jodie Foster
Waiting to shoot a fight scene with Kevin Costner
Shared anecdotes of Hollywood around the pool
The manager loved him
Put them in the penthouse suite
already had their picture framed above the lobby desk
Helped them to get the best of the best –
Tables at the front of booked up restaurants
Free rides around the town
For the legendary Ludlow
I could not believe it
Everywhere we’d go
They’re there ahead of us
Skipping queues and private viewings
It was a holiday in the sun
In nineteen-ninety-one
It was a holiday in the sun
In nineteen-ninety-one
He kept it up for about six days ‘til
Me and Hazel
Out for a Sangria in the afternoon
Last full day of our honeymoon
Clocked them out on high stools at a bar by the harbour
Recounting a tale of an elephant’s trunk swinging
Ken knocked their table
Glasses rolled and smashed
Bloody Mary and beer
All over his ridiculous linen suit
Soaking in and staining
He yelled something profane in
A Northern accent
We both cracked up
Went over to help ‘em
They’re Ken and Jean not Ludlow and Margo
We had a laugh
We hung out all night
Nearly missed our flight home
We had a holiday in the sun
In nineteen-ninety-one
We had a holiday in the sun
In nineteen-ninety-one
We had a holiday in the sun
In nineteen-ninety-one
We had a holiday in the sun
In nineteen-ninety-one
We kept in touch
By post and by phone
It was pre-internet for us
Though they had a dial up modem
Met once or twice a year
At the sea or by ‘falls
Fun times
Ken could be wild
But these things peter out
We had a daughter
And lost touch
Though Jean still writes at Christmas
We were shocked when we read that
She’d left him after almost three decades together
But not totally surprised
She said she could no longer see the real Ken
When she looked in his eyes
His daydreams and manias had taken him away from her
His daydreams and manias had taken him away from her
His daydreams and manias had taken him away
Our daughter shared the clip
But didn’t know about our trips
With the man in tears
We’ve still got our souvenirs
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9. |
Ken Picks Himself Up
03:31
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After the concert
Sat in the car all night
Drove home as the daylight came
In a daze the whole journey
55 in the slow lane
The radio tuned out and I didn’t dial it back in
I sold my photo gear cut price
I shut down my website
After a fortnight
I switched on my phone
I switched on my phone
I took it hard
I took it hard
It was a silver-haired crowd
There to sway and to dance
But some kid at the back
Filmed it all on their phone
Unbeknownst to me
I’ve been a living a joke
On memes
Loose Women
Hislop and Merton
My face caught on the big screens
Side stage as the tears came
Some cretinous bastard
Told them my name
He told them my name
I took it hard
I took it hard
I didn’t go back to the office for two months
And then I quit
I shut out everything
Downsized my pad
It had me knocked down flat
I felt nothing and then I felt sad
And lonely
About month three the obvious hit me:
‘Ken – you got to find your self
And to be happy with that
You’ve been living a counterfeit
You’ve been living a counterfeit’
I took it hard
I took it hard
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10. |
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I feel like I’m flying since I made the leap
I’m sure Ken never ever took me seriously
‘Til the night when
Our love slipped away in Robin Hood’s Bay
Arms shaking, lip bitten up the motorway
When we started out
It was fun
I’d never met
Anyone
Who made me laugh
Quite like that
He didn’t get on with my dad
But that made two of us
We’d go to work
On the bus
Nauseous from the night before
Sweet messages left
On the fridge door
We never watched the tele much
Ken was on the phone
Or we were in the pub
Working on his
Jokes and schemes
A telegram from the queen
When he was just 30
Best wishes on your special birthday
Signed Elizabeth
I feel like I’m flying since I made the leap
Ken never took anything seriously
And stopped listening
Shut me out and retreated in his way
My arms shaking lip bitten up the motorway
I loved a bit of hand holding
But his hand grew limp
And distracted
Nights alone
In the same room
His manias
All consuming
Left all my close friends
Behind in the 1990s
Used to always be so busy
Like Terry and June
Except funnier
In the end I kept a diary
Recording all the times he asked me
How I was
Or how I’m feeling
A month goes by
And there’s nowt to read in it
That freed me up
Made things clearer
Got some advice from a solicitor
Made plans with Denise
But did a flit by the seas
I couldn’t stand him any longer
I couldn’t stand him any longer
I feel like I’m flying since I made the leap
I’m sure Ken never ever took me seriously
‘Til the night when
Our love slipped away in Robin Hood’s Bay
Arms shaking lip bitten up the motorway
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11. |
Not Feeling Great
01:26
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When you’re not feeling great
It’s tough to get back in shape
When you’re not feeling great
It’s tough to get back in shape
When you’re not feeling great
It’s tough to get back in shape
When you’re not feeling great
It’s tough to get back in shape
A little bit overweight
Can’t run when my knees ache like this
Give the stairs a miss
When you’re not feeling great
It’s tough to get back in shape
Getting older
Got pain all over my back and shoulders
When you’re not feeling great
It’s tough to get back in shape
When you’re not feeling great
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12. |
Write it as Fiction
04:55
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Life’s so short
But feels so long
I’ve forgotten so much
Clutch my stories close
Keep notes
No embellishments required
Oh god I’m tired
They say everyone’s got a book in them
Mine’s more readable than most
I was like a ghost
Transparent and unreasonable
Lied to the office and said it was seasonal
Sadness
Assumed they were all laughing
Right then I decided to write it all out
On a typewriter
Like a ransom note
In an old film scene
With handsome folk
Stiff speech
Mono-chromed
On the phone perspiring
Finger resting on the number they’d dialled in
But I’m ex-directory
So last century
Chapter one
Start with the end
Chapter two
A highlights review
Including the lift story
At the BBC
Paxman and Beckham
Thought I was someone special
Chapter three
Now we’ve reached the beginning
Small time stuff
Me and Jean
VIPs at nightclubs
Chapter four
That trip abroad
Chapter five
My brief time inside
Now around this time I got restless
Started drinking in town with a book as cover
Searching for company
Always the last to leave
Open mic night
Said the poster in the loo
For voices
Not music
Prose and poetry
I went for a few weeks
And sat at the back
Started a writing class
Took a job in a caf’
It’s hard work and often boring
But try to listen more and
Keep people talking
Note their quotes
Hush my anecdotes
Plucked up the courage
To read out my stories
They went down well
Most think it’s fiction
Swapped numbers after with Shirley and Norman
Got invited to Wednesday jazz lunches
Started to feel normal
Read a long piece
About my presentee father
Invented his last words
To pull it together
Cold water with ice
Cleared my throat twice
People were nice
Clapped
Someone said ‘bravo’
Pats on my shoulder
As I shuffle to my chair on the back row
Felt happy and sad both
And did not want to let ‘em go
I feel like an oddball
But not that I’m phoney
They call me Kenneth
And I don’t correct them
They call me Kenneth
And I don’t correct them
I’m just just trying to listen
To write it as fiction
To try and admit when
I’m getting too distant
And I need to reset
I wake in a cold sweat
I’ll just keep it simple
And honest
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