1. |
Fog
03:08
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It’s funny what you recall and what you don’t
99 per cent’s gone up in smoke
Helen said “you never listen”
But should have said “you never remember”
I read a letter written
By me years before
It felt more like fiction
Alien diction
Like May to my December
A lost boy out of work in a check shirt
Power cuts and candle lights
Cancelled nights of stopping in
With Josselyn
Soaking in the tub
She’d shout “stop singing!”
Won her back with back rubs and cuddling
We’re not controlling anything
Do the opposite of what your
Algorithms tell you to do
Astroturf knees
Pretend your name’s Keith
Saved a lost bubble bee
Like a twelfth of Hercules
From a hot window sill
Of a forgotten hotel
All disgarded with ease
Like Hermit crab’s shells
Amnesia is easier to blame
That admitting that I’m selfish
And my brain doesn’t retain
Based on empathy, though mentally
I’m so tired, spluttering, empty
My gut health’s dived
Can I ever reinvent me?
Empower us with Satellites
Cowardice, I’m stopping in
With tele on
I’m catching up
In the future we will spinn
But right now I’m struggling
We’re not controlling anything
Do the opposite of what your
Algorithms tell you to do
I’ll grab a hold of everything
I’ll be an optimist
When rocks move and seas swell
I’ve not been back to my home town in years
And suddenly really miss it
I’d visit but it’s lockdown
Though I’ll go back when I can
Walk the streets alone
Try to conjure anecdotes and countdown
My top ten junior jokes
See the aged faces of acquaintances and their parents
In supermarkets, pubs and leisure boats
Power cuts and candle lights
Cancelled nights of stopping in
With Josselyn
Soaking in the tub
She’d shout “stop singing!”
Won her back with back rubs and cuddling
Empower us with Satellites
Cowardice, I’m stopping in
With tele on
I’m catching up
In the future we will spinn
But right now I’m struggling
We’re not controlling anything
Do the opposite of what your
Algorithms tell you to do
I’ll grab a hold of everything
I’ll be an optimist
When rocks move and seas swell
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2. |
Dust
02:38
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Just after dusk
I’m feeling long in the tusk
Like I must not be made of dust from stars
But house dust or rust from cars
My dead skin settles on un-played guitars
Nightly
While fewer friends invite me for beers
I get cavalier with snubs and putdowns
On profiles that reach no one
A grey person outline
No face
No emotions
School reunion declined
Lied, messaged back said I’d died
Signed off by the loved one I’d left behind
Who keeps my socials open
Says heart was the width and depth of the ocean
Stop posting
Move to Nova Scotia
Become a Life Coach
Become a slogan
Stop coasting, use lotions
start feeling less atrocious
I’ve a definite memory
Of floating to the ceiling as a child
And moving by will power
From room to room
Un-noticed by the adults below
You might think that I’m lying
But believe me I’m not trying t'
I’m in different rooms and places at the same time
Not legion or hive-mind
But scattered with five kinds of silence
Hide it as shyness
Write my own biog but nobody buys it
Like Alec’s book
I took liberties, heck
We both know no one believes
I headlined at Leeds and Bestival
Not even on a small stage as guest vocal
Or that I featured on once upon a time a shaolin
I throw in towels
Shriek at hairy moth owls
I meant Baldwin not Ferguson
In case you misunderstood what I said earlier on
I’ve a definite memory
Of floating to the ceiling as a child
And moving by will power
From room to room
Un-noticed by the adults below
You might think that I’m lying
But believe me I’m not trying t'
I didn’t mean to shut you out
Or jam your fingers in the door
I’m sorry, you deserve more
I didn’t mean to shut you out
And jam your fingers in the door
I’m sorry, you deserve more
More honesty
More apologies
More bonhomie
Less hypocrisy
I still cheat at monopoly
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3. |
Different
02:32
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When I was at school I had a centre parting
And I was far too gentle-hearted
I should never have listened to my sister
It thickened, grew and got much bigger
The tough kids out by the shops would snigger
And I couldn’t talk to my babysitter
I needed more than a pair of scissors
Some style advice, and a cut with clippers
Now I had strong strong strong
Feelings and
I had long long long
Obsessions
That I never cared to mention
I tried prayers for my redemption
But all I got was hypertension
It was my fault
I thought
That what I sought went unanswered and left me empty
I was always on my best behaviour
A chaste teenager
Quietly denatured
I was always on my best behaviour
A secret unbeliever
You can’t slip your own skin
I was told god watched me every moment
From inside my head, not in the open
Now that’s fine if you believe it
But as a kid it made me feel guilt
For tiny things
Like Losing Uncle Arthur’s gold ring
The toy car stolen from the grass
Or for having a crush on someone in my class
Especially if their parents had the wrong kind of beliefs
Oh, I felt trapped for weeks
It took a long time to say how I felt different
But I did
And everything turned out alright
But I did
And everything turned out alright
Now I had strong strong strong
Feelings and
I had long long long
Obsessions
That I never cared to mention
I tried prayers for my redemption
But all I got was hypertension
It was my fault
I thought
That what I sought went unanswered and left me empty
I was always on my best behaviour
A chaste teenager
Quietly denatured
I was always on my best behaviour
A secret unbeliever
You can’t slip your own skin
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4. |
Mistaken
02:16
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Stuff matters
You can have strong opinions
But still be open-minded
Violence on my TV makes me feel dizzy
Like I’m high up ladders
Close eyes or change the channels
We’re all mammals and actors to some degree
I believe I’m a different person
With everyone I meet, literally
In Athens in March
The sea was cold and gave me a shock
Like lightening across my back
Electricity, a calling
From a forgotten god
Reaching out and choosing me
Lo She said with mighty force
“you’re doing great
Go forth, consume more and more cheese courses”
I see my dad’s face in my cracked phone screen
But with much smaller eyes
It’s my reflection not a split screen skype call
I’ll never believe history loops and repeats
I’ve not had an enemy since school
Cos I am sensible
Ostensibly grown up
But I still hate those fools
They’ll have dependable cars
and spendable bonuses
It’s all water under the bridge
That washed me out into the cold grey sea
I still hate those fools
Testosterone teens got a lot to answer for.
I’ve left no trace on my old street
Neighbour’s replacement say “I never heard of you”
No blue plaques in suburbia
Forgotten
Like my cat buried under a conservatory.
I used to feel unworthy
But now I don’t really worry
I moved away, got redemption
Started paying into a pension
I see my dad’s face in my cracked phone screen
But with much smaller eyes
It’s my reflection not a split screen skype call
I’ll never believe history loops and repeats
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